Exercise

Up until recently, I was one of those people who was blessed with skinny parents and naturally fast metabolism. All my friends in high school were super jealous because I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce. Despite that, weight is something I struggled with my entire life. Although never diagnosed, it was very obvious to myself and my family and friends that I had an "eating disorder" of some sort.
When I was in elementary school, I was abnormally thin. I grew like a weed vertically and went through those awkward years even thinner than most normal kids my age. My legs looked like they came straight out of my neck and they were scrawny...my knees we knobby, my ribs protruded and I basically looked like an awkward noodle. Kids are always really mean, and brutally honest. When we had to run in gym class, I got made fun of so much...because in addition to being super scrawny, my feet were super flat so I kind of kicked them out to the side and pumped my arms way too much. (Think Phoebe in the park, Friends lovers). Pathetic truly. Anyway, because of that, I have always avoided running at all costs. The sport I chose to do in my adolescence was gymnastics. Not a whole lot of running there.

I was in gymnastics up through middle school. I was just starting to look less like a starving orphan and more like a normal pre-teen girl when the girls on my competitive gymnastics team decided it would be a good idea to give me a complex for the rest of my life. I was on a team with girls that were 16 years old, so of course their bodies were a lot different than mine at the time. I was probably 11. At that young age, I was hearing all about these cool things you could do to stay thin forever. I never would have guessed that you could eat whatever you wanted if you just threw it up afterwards and you would never get fat. Or, if you were stronger, you could just not eat at all, or eat barely anything and just drink water. These girls were doing it...and I was berated for not admitting that that's what I was doing since I was so thin. Looking back now, it was so traumatizing to be so young and already learning how to nitpick all the flaws in my body.

Eventually, I think my mom caught wind of me beginning to have this complex and suddenly, I no longer did gymnastics. I didn't miss it. I remember for awhile there I had practice 3 times a week and those practices were like 2 hours long each. Of constant running, flipping, running routines over and over. I would literally walk through the door at home after these practices and fall on the floor. Let's just say my loathing for working out was not assisted by this time in my life.

Once I was in 8th grade, I had let a little compulsion turn into a big one. I didn't realize I was doing anything weird, per se...but other people did. For instance, when all my friends were chowing down on pizza and french fries in the lunch room, I bought a pack of Starbursts and a water. I would make those Starbursts last all day until dinner. I did not eat breakfast because of an entirely different issue I was dealing with then...ovarian cysts which caused me to have almost morning sickness like symptoms. I missed a lot of school. Looking back on pictures of myself in 7th, 8th and 9th grade, I looked SICK. Just horrible. Big black circles under my eyes, sunken cheeks and just blah. I had a scale in my bathroom, and I stepped on that thing probably 6 times a day. At least every time I went to the restroom. This is one of those things I didn't realize at the time, but when I was in 8th grade, my favorite teacher, Ms. Johanson pulled me aside one day and asked me to join a support group for other girls. She explained that it was just a "safe" place to talk about our self esteem and encourage each other. I said okay and when I showed up, there were 5 or 6 other girls who I didn't know and they started talking about throwing up in the bathroom at lunch! Here I was again, with a group of people who seemed to think I had this problem. It angered me at the time, but thinking back on my behavior and looking back on those photos of myself, its obvious that there was something wrong.

I can also clearly remember my mom saying to me, on multiple occasions: "Christy I swear, if I hear you say you're fat one more time...I am taking you to counseling!" I would roll my eyes in that sweet, hormone filled way and say something really intelligent like, 'whatever.' This type of behavior continued through high school, where if I began to see a pinch of anything that could be contrived as "jiggly" I would not eat a substantial meal for days. Ironically, I lived off of crap. Doritos, twix bars, grape soda...but that was pretty much it. I was a lacrosse manager in high school, so basically I missed a lot of sit down family dinners just by being at games pretty late at night. I always felt sick because I was not eating so of course I would not want to eat anything. It was a vicious cycle. Being a busy kid sort of distracted me yet again from my issues.

Pretty much never in my LIFE have I been anything other than super thin. But I was convinced that I was fat. I had no clue what other people saw when they looked at me...when I looked in the mirror, I saw huge. I saw jiggle. I saw love handles. I have issues. I would like to say that I have overcome this little complex of mine, but it will always be there. I remember my senior year, I got really excited because I FINALLY had some curves. That's because I had a lot of great people surrounding me who would literally force me to eat. once I started eating, I realized that food was amazing....that I could actually enjoy eating instead of visualizing where on my body those tator tots would land. I started looking a little healthier.

When Josh and I started dating, I told him all about my struggles with body image and he encouraged me by telling me I was beautiful. However, its not like I ever got rid of these issues and old habits die hard. Despite the new curves, I could not get used to my new body. It just was not what I was used to. I was used to being able to look down and count my ribs, wrap my hands around my thigh and have my fingers overlap....I was used to looking terrible and emaciated...and the horrible part was I thought I looked SO good. Josh was very patient and loving with me...always encouraging me to eat healthy. Shockingly enough, I started feeling so much better once I began eating consistently. Before, when I would skip breakfast and lunch, by dinner...my stomach was practically eating itself. That made me feel sick to my stomach, so I would not want to eat dinner either. I found that if I just ate I felt better. Josh had me looking really great for probably the first time in my life. When we broke up that one really long, really messy time...I fell right back into those bad habits. I was so depressed and sad that I had lost him. When Josh showed up at my work that day when we got back together for the final time, I was the skinniest I had ever been. I weighed about 102 pounds. I am 5'6. That's WAY too skinny...even for someone obsessed with that kind of thing. Part of why we got back together was because of what he said to me the second he saw me. He said, "Christy...you havent been eating again, honey. Are you okay???" He was genuinely concerned and always was.

Since we got back together, I have started feeling more comfortable in my body. Josh was so encouraging and honest and sweet, telling me I was perfect. I got comfortable eating around him...something I always avoided around anyone else. I put on weight. And everyone in my life was so glad. Literally everyone who had known me a substantial amount of time was telling me how amazing I looked. My weight was resting right at about 118 pounds, which is still pretty thin for my height...but it was progress. Since I quit my job in December, I had noticed that this more sedintary lifestyle had impacted my body. I was not eating any more or less than normal, but I have definitely been less active....for the simple fact that I had nowhere to go during the day.

I almost had a heart attack when I went to my yearly exam the other day. I don't think I am gonna tell you my actual weight in numbers, because I want to cry just thinking about it...much less seeing it in print. Let's just suffice it to say its the most I've ever weighed in my life. Just doing internet research tells me that I am at a healthy weight range for my height...that's also a first in my life. And my BMI is a 22.6. Supposedly a healthy BMI range is between 18.5 and 24.9 so clearly, I am in a VERY good spot. But I am having a little meltdown/panic attack. I do not know how to react to these numbers, much less the figure I see in the mirror. They are all so different from what I'm used to...

I have my first dress fitting in about 2 weeks. When I got measured, she told me my measurements indicated that I would need a size 4. My dress was custom made to fit my measurements. I am terrified that they are going to try to slip on my gorgeous dress and it will not fit! Basically, if there's any hope of me not turning into a complete basket case, I NEED to fit in that dress. So...hate it or not, I am starting an exercise program. It has been a long time since I really and truly exercised...I have always been pretty active and that was always enough. But...I am pledging to myself not to revert back to my old food issues. I am promising myself to continue to eat normally and healthy, but just to work out. I am on day 2 of my new workout regime, that Josh and I custom made for what I want my body to look like (a mix of cardio elements like Plyogenics and pilates movements with low weight and high reps). I am hoping for that willowy (healthy!) dancers body. I am sore...but I have energy and renewed faith in myself and a new view on my body.

I am being positive for now...but for the love of all that is holy, that dress BETTER fit. Whew. Sorry. That was a lot of background info/baggage for one post. Just keep me in your thoughts if you have room to spare.

This is me at my super skinniest. When I posted this photo on facebook, several friends I had not seen in awhile called to see "if I was okay". I guess I look a little scrawny here.

  

And here is a photo of me now. Just GROSS. All I can see in this photo is the size of my arms and my thighs! Josh loves the curves, but it is just NOT me. Even my face looks different. :(